I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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