did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
