My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
