Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
