so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
