I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
