I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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