So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
