tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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