Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
