Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
