Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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