from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
