So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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