you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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