Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
