i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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