the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
