I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
