just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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