I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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