Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
