Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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