Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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