I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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