So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
