Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
