Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
