I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
What a dumb baby whore.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
