Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
