Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
