OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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