your thong is hanging out like whoa
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
