I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
