Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
