yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
