....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
