i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
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We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
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Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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