Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
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Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
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No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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