i barfeds in our rink
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
