you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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