I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
