im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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