I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
