So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
as a side note pls kill me
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
