the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
