Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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