i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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