Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
