So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
