tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
