Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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