a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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