I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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