I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
