My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
