I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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