There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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