It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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