Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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