My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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