Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
