Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
