I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
