your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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