The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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