he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
